Musings

Soul Searching

Times when I feel like my acts are out of hand, I wonder where my usual happy self has gone to. I’m glad that I’m okay now but it’s good to sometimes look back to those old times, to reminisce how crazy I was to have done those things, ponder on what triggered or pushed me, or contemplate on whose fault it really was?

I wrote this poem/song back in 2000, myso-called rebel years. I remember running away from home, playing music like how I always want to. Well, that passion hasn’t subsided after all these years. Whether what I did was wrong or right, I have no regrets. These things honed me to be the better me, to understand how things work and how to call myself when it has gone wayward.

8/26/2000
Sa isang iglap naglaho lahat
Liwanag biglang lumipas
Sarili ko’y tumalikod na
Ngayo’y nag-iisa walang makasama
Sa dilim patuloy na umaasa
Ngunit walang makapitan ni isa
Pilit na tinatanaw pisngi ng langit
Agos ng kalungkutan sa aki’y iwaglit
Halina’t pahiran ang luha
Hinahanap pa rin kita sinta
Dinggin tinig ng pag-iisa
Tinatawag kita,
Nasa’n ka?
Silipin ang mundong ginagalawan
Kung saan saya’y di na maaninag
Sa loob ko’y may sumisigaw
Ngunit ang mundo’y bingi sa king dasal!
Halina’t pahiran ang luha
Hinahanap pa rin kita sinta
Dinggin tinig ng pag-iisa
Tinatawag kita,
Nasa’n ka?
Nasa’n ka?
Pagmasdan ang luhang sayo’y nilalaan
Sa mga sandaling kasiyahan ikaw pa rin ang aking inaasam
Naisin mang ibalik buhay na kinalakhan
Sa pag-iisang ito’y may saya pa kayang daratnan?

A lot of things happened after 2000. And those were the worst, I may say. I thought this song will be left untouched or unheard of after so many years. But funny that a late 20-year old will cry the same words that a rebellious, oblivious punk did some time ago.

Some people call to outside forces to let themselves heal, I respect that. We call to God, to our family and friends,to music, mountains or what have you. As for myself, I believe that if there’s anything or anyone who needs to understand you, it has to be yourself. Yes I do need forces to help me heal but there are just times that there’s no one to run to but yourself.

With everything I’ve gone through, I have come up with one realization: Love yourself first.

I told a friend today:

“don’t be too harsh on yourself. you’ll find out in the long run that her coming into your life has a purpose. there’s nothing wrong in falling in love, even with the wrong person, but remember, that above all else, you have to learn how to love yourself first. =)”

Memories flashed back. And somehow it got me teary-eyed. No, not because I still feel pain and anger, but because I am so proud with how happy I have become after a year of depression.

I have forgiven you. You know who you are. But no, I’m not coming back. I just can’t. I choose to be happy, and it just won’t happen with you.

I’m in a better place. And I have forgotten how to feel the need of sharing it with you. You can accuse me to be a sinner. But I’m not doing this because I hate you.

It is because I’ve come to respect and love the real me again, which I seem to have forgotten 3 years ago.

I am happy where I am now. I won’t let past mistakes get in. Loneliness and depression are no longer allowed in my own little planet.

I am in love with myself again. And with this I see how beautiful the world is around me. My best friend, my old self, has come home with me. And I won’t let even a slightest chance let it run away again.

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Categories: Musings

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